Last year one of my goals was to post at least once a week.
I failed miserably.
The fact is that I am a busy girl and I have higher expectations for myself than the posts I have the time to create right now.
I love photography and that is what I want this blog to be; a place for me to share my life through my lens. So for now, I am going to focus on my other blog Shrinking Kat. I haven’t posted there in way longer than here. When I started it, I was on a weight loss track. Then I stepped off the track and forgot about it for a while.
I am not happy with my body image right now. I feel like I’m fighting a losing battle every time I open my mouth for the next bite. I find it exhausting just trying to figure out what my next meal is going to be. And knowing that it’s not just about the food, I berate myself every time I sit down to watch a movie or find myself surfing the internet just because I’m bored. It’s not healthy, but I just feel so defeated by those numbers on the scale and the tightness of my jeans.
I have tried many diets and failed miserably every single time. I know denying myself is a recipe for disaster, so I decided (more than a dozen times) to make “lifestyle changes”. I fared a little better with those, but still fell off the wagon again and again. So I thought about it. I thought about why it is that I find it so hard to change my eating and activity levels. I think I may have discovered the answer. My head and heart aren’t working together.
Usually my head is the one who decides that it’s time for a change. In my head, I usually feel like my body is the size I desire. But then I look into a mirror and my heart falls. I feel like I’m deluding myself. My pants must be on fire, I lie to myself so often. I tell myself that it’s not as bad as it seems. It’s the mirror; it must be a fun house mirror or something. I tell myself that everyone else is lying to me too. They tell me I look fine, or worse, great. Why do I feel it necessary to twist words? It’s not healthy.
So here’s what I’m thinking: I am a future psychologist. I am most interested in why we feel the way we do and how it affects our behavior. You see, if I can understand that, then I can help people change their behavior and in turn be happier. I’m thinking that if I change the way I think about food and exercise, then I may actually succeed in making permanent changes in my life. I can create a better body for myself but creating a healthier mind.
I’m going to embrace the double meaning that I considered when I named the other blog Shrinking Kat. I’m going to shrink my head (using psychology) in order to shrink my body. Wish me luck. I’ll try to visit more often (but no promises).
Hugs and stuff,